LAgirl and the Camping Problem

As I've perused the many profiles of single men in LA on dating sites, I've noticed that they all seem to have several things in common. Under the category of "activities you enjoy”, they all list "hiking, biking, and camping".

Well, I don’t know how to ride a bike (that adage, “it’s just like riding bike”, isn’t true!) and I’m not much of a “mountain” girl, although I do enjoy an occasional hike (to the coffee shop). BUT, hanging out in the woods, sleeping on dirt, next to a guy who hasn't showered in 3 days with nothing to protect me from the elements (cause let's face it, HE isn't going to protect me) except a thin slice of nylon?? Hmm, that's definitely NOT my idea of fun. In fact, the first time I attempted camping, I called my sister, who is quite the outdoors-woman, and asked her for a list of necessities I would need in the forest. She proceeded to laugh her ass off and tell me that there’s no place to plug in my hairdryer or chill a martini glass.

In spite of my sister’s doubts, I tried to force myself to “enjoy” camping. I dated a guy who took me backpacking 5 miles over a very steep mountain pass that had previously seen only the footprints of agile big-horned sheep, (but are now stamped with the ass-prints of non-agile city-bred woman) where we spent 3 showerless days outside cell phone range. He was smart enough to pack fresh pasta and several bottles of good cabernet. But even a few glasses of wine can't make me want to have sex with a guy that smells like bear poo. He liked camping SO MUCH that he was willing to forgo the sex in order to hang out under the pines for several days. What guy is willing to forgo SEX! for trees!! I'm not sure, but I think he might have been gay.

I then dated a guy who was convinced that I would enjoy camping if I was comfortable. He was SO convinced, that he lugged a queen size blow-up bed for 3 miles to a campsite. After setting up the tent and gathering wood (I was bathing in the near by creek, no way I was smelling like bear poo, even if the water was only 65 degrees!), he opened the giant plastic bladder, attached the foot pump and began stomping away. When I showed up 15 minutes later, he was red faced and huffing and puffing, but the bed was still completely flat. I picked up the instruction packet that had come in the box and said, "Hey, did you plug the air exhaust hole first?"...... I can't say he was the smartest guy I've ever dated.

After that experience, I decided to "tell" guys I liked camping, but not actually GO camping with them. This works pretty well at the beginning of a relationship, when, as he packs the backpacks, you suddenly appear in a very thin wife beater t-shirt and short-shorts (you claim it’s your hiking outfit). If you can make the sex last a couple of hours, all he'll want to do is order in Chinese and sleep. At which point you can remind him that Firecracker Wong’s** doesn't deliver in the woods. Of course, after about 6 months he'll be used to seeing you in that wife beater, and even when you bend over and place your chest at exactly his eye level, it won't stop him from packing the gear. If only camping required a costume of thigh-high leather boots and a whip, I think you could avoid it forever.

My friends have assured me that "telling the truth" is the only way to go. So, taking their advice, I entered "not much of a camper" on my dating profile. For months, I didn't get any hits. I was losing faith that there might actually be men out there who don't like to camp, when ta-da! A coffee date with Jim, who made it perfectly clear that he did NOT like camping..... However, he did like spending 7-8 hours/day playing dungeons and dragons on-line, which, he pointed out, as he put TWLEVE, yes, TWELVE packets of sugar in his coffee, he had skipped that day so he could meet me at Denny's (his choice of meeting place...).

I had pretty much given up hope when the inconceivable happened! Today, as I was sitting in the courtyard of a friend's apartment complex sipping vodka and pomegranate juice (it's supposed to have health benefits... the juice, that is.... not sure about the vodka... though there have been some very bad days when I've gulped down a big fat chilled glass of vodka and it's been to the benefit of EVERYBODY ELSE’s health) ... Anyway, we were chatting about the fact that once you start painting your toenails on a regular basis you can never stop because the polish will turn your nails yellow, and who wants to look at yellow toe nails .... especially when they're considering putting your toes in their mouth... (I say always be prepared for a guy with a foot fetish). Well, at that point in our conversation two very cute guys with three very cute dogs strode into the courtyard carrying a smallish box that appeared to be a scrabble game (hmmm, already I’m interested!). While continuing the discussion with my girlfriend (we had moved on to recent national faux pas’, like when Bush rudely asked a guy wearing sunglasses if he was blind…. And he was), I kept one eye on the two guys. They ripped open the box, yanked out six pieces of "tent" and tried putting it up without reading the instructions (a sign that they were not gay). At first they moved the poles around and positioned them in a tee-pee like structure and then threw the piece of nylon over the top. Obviously this was not correct. After that, they took out the directions and inserted the poles into the sleeves marked "insert pole here" on the nylon tent. As they tried to bend the poles and make the tent stand up, the whole mess collapsed. These guys looked exactly like the kind of campers I could easily convince to stay in the city on weekends! Next, one of the guys removed his cell phone and called the support line listed on the "easy 2 step tent assembly" instructions.


I don't know if they ever got the tent set up, I became distracted by my empty beverage glass and had to go in for another vodka/pomegranate. When I returned to the courtyard, they were gone. Hopefully they just gave up and went to Starbucks.... I plan to find out in a few weeks when my girlfriend's apartment complex throws it's annual, never-to-be-missed-by-cute-male-residents 4th of July bash. I’ll be sure to let you know!

**… In order to protect the innocent, a false name has been used for the above restaurant. The false name was created with the “Chinese Food Restaurant Name Generator”, which you can find at
http://www.newmoanyeah.com/2004-features/062104_chinese_food_restaurant_name_generator.php