LAgirl and the Big Wheel Gang

As a former 16 year old, I think I can accurately state that the most important thing to a teenage girl, well, beside boys, is sleep. It is important that during the teenage years, girls get at least 475 hours of sleep every night. This is necessary in order for her to keep up the energy it takes to change outfits 8-10 times (leaving the previous outfit on the floor) before going out. Should anything disturb that sleep, beware the surliness of a girl on the cusp of womanhood!

I grew up with a whole bevy of siblings who made it their career goal to annoy me… then run. My youngest brother, Mike, was 6 at the time we moved to the Midwest from an urban east coast city. I was annoyed that we had to leave the east coast, I felt sure that Colorado was still inhabited by cowboys and native Americans duking it out over pieces of dried, dirty, and barren land. (Ok, in some ways, I was right, there were still cowboys, they just spent most of their time spitting tobacco juice and doing weird group dances at western music halls).

Mike had 2 friends across the street from our house, DJ and Kip, who I reluctantly babysat for occasionally (Kip was a cute kid, but I was sure that DJ was only a few years away from jail!). Every morning during the summer, they woke up around 7 am, and by 7:30 were hauling ass on their Big Wheels up and down the sidewalk that ran right in front of my bedroom window. And every morning, I yelled out the window for them to go ride somewhere else, which they gleefully ignored. I tried closing my window, putting a pillow over my head, listening to my radio with headphones… none of it worked to eliminate the din of the Big Wheel Gang.

One summer the Big Wheel Gang decided to retro fit their Big Wheels. They removed the seats which allowed them to ride closer to the ground, and in a moment of genius, they added a few stones to the inside of the tires, just so enemy gangs (or sisters) could hear them coming from miles away. The moment I heard the thunder of the gang, I opened my window and started yelling, only to see the back end of the Big Wheels slide around the corner of the house as my brother looked over his shoulder and laughed.

Every morning as my mad as hell attitude headed to the kitchen smell of burnt toast and spilled orange juice, I railed at my parents for allowing them to disturb my sleep. And every morning I was disappointed in my parents’ lack of response to my complaints. My father just kept his newspaper in front of his face (was he actually SMILING BACK THERE!!!) and my mother gave me a consoling nod and turned back to wash the dishes. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. Though my 6 year old brother had ruined my sleep, it was my parents who had ruined my life by refusing to let me go out with blue eye shadow caked around my lids, or wearing a see-through peasant blouse. I think they experienced my demeanor as a caged lion waiting to rip off any fingers that they extended into my cage! My mother has since told me that the only good thing about teenagers is they eventually grow up.

A few weeks ago, that same brother, who was the leader of the Big Wheel Gang, now grown up with teenagers of his own, happened to be visiting LA. I don’t have kids, but I’m the “cool” aunt, so I suggested that he drop the 2 girls off at my house for 24 hours of teenage girly fun! I wanted to show them how great LA is, and share lots of girly things with them. I pictured us walking hand in hand down the Venice boardwalk, checking out the same cute guys and sipping iced lattes. I knew it would happen that way, because I remember what it was like being a teenager, so of course I could relate to them!

The night they arrived, they sat next to each other on my couch text messaging their friends back home on their cell phones. (My brother told me that one month they had logged over 30,000 minutes of text messages).
“Hey guys,” I said. They looked at me blankly, “Wanna play a game?’
They looked at each other and shrugged, “Sure.”
So I set up a fun “teenage” game that requires some strategy and attention and allows for lots of fun chatting while you play.
After I explained the directions, to which they just nodded, when they weren’t text messaging, A took the first turn. She picked up a piece and randomly set it on the board. Her sister, R, did the same thing before resuming tapping out words on the keypad of her phone. I placed my piece and then A, without even taking a moment to look closely at the board, gloomily dropped her piece in place.
“Ah,” I said, “You might want to rethink that.”
She blinked her eyes at me twice and said, “Naw, that’s ok.”

R did the same thing, placing her game piece in a bad position, before typing again on her phone.
“So, do you guys have boyfriends?” I asked, anxious to share their lives and give them some precious advice that I was sure they were waiting to get from the “cool” aunt.
They giggled and looked at each other before A said, “She did!”
“Stop!” R responded.
“But they broke up”, A reported.
“Oh! Who broke up with whom?” I asked.
Again they just giggled and said, “I don’t know.” And went back to their phones.

Half an hour later, after easily defeating them, I suggested we order pizza.
“There’s this really cool pizza place that has all kinds of exotic ingredients,” I said, “You can even get artichoke and goat cheese.”
“Do they have pepperoni?” The girls asked.

After eating in virtual silence, they responded to my questions with single syllables, they wanted to go to bed, watch TV, and text their friends. I let them have my room, while I retired to the couch. When I finally switched off my lamp at 1am, I could still see the light of the TV flickering under the door.

I got up at 9 the next morning thinking we could go out to breakfast and then I’d take them to the Santa Monica pier and the Venice boardwalk. At 9:30, I knocked and opened the door.
“Hey, guys, wanna go to breakfast and the Venice boardwalk?”
They mumbled and one of them said something about maybe later. I waited an hour and a half (I figured one REM cycle would be good) before trying again. The second time I attempted to get them up, they rolled over and said they wanted to sleep longer.
“Hey, if we don’t go soon it will be too late and you’ll have wasted your whole day sleeping.” No response.

I couldn’t believe all they wanted to do was sleep! I can’t imagine I was like THAT as a teenager… but then again, I don’t think I’m going to ask my parents. Instead I think I should get a Big Wheel loaded with tire pebbles and ride it up and down the hallway.